Sleep, baby, sleep

I haven't really talked about our sleep issues on here before other than mentioning the reflux was affecting Andrew's sleep and to say that he had grown accustomed to being soothed to sleep by either Mommy or Daddy. Now that we have the reflux issue under control (much better! Thank goodness!), we are working on the other issues.
Two nights ago, after a day that featured very little napping on Andrew's part -- I found myself standing over his crib once again for the fourth time -- he was waking every hour and I prayed out loud -- "Lord, send an angel to soothe this baby so that I can get some rest!"
Well, yesterday Andrew napped like a dream -- 2 hours in the morning, 3 hours in the afternoon and one 30 min. power nap in the evening -- and then a miracle happened. I had given him his last bottle of the day, did our little bedtime rituals -- lullabys, a little rocking, kisses goodnight and put him in his crib fully expecting to pat and shhhh him to sleep like always. Well, after about 10-15 min of pat shush, my boy was still wide eyed and just making his little baby noises. I decided mommy needed a short break, so I went into the living room and sat down on the couch. I could hear Andrew on the monitor -- he was not crying, just cooing and grunting. Greg wanted to tell me something so I listened to his story and by the end of it, the grunting and cooing had stopped. Silence from the monitor.
I told Greg to go in there and make sure Andrew was OK. Greg came back and said Andrew was fast asleep.
What? My babe put himself to sleep? Hallelujah and thank you Lord for that angel!
So, when Andrew awoke at 1:15 a.m. for a feeding, I wasn't sure what to expect. After a feeding and a diaper change (the midnight pooper strikes again) I decided to try my luck again -- I did our ritual (sans lullabyes) and placed a drowsy but fully awake Andrew in his crib. I patted his little leg a couple of times and told him I'd see him in the morning, sweet dreams.
At 6:30 this morning, I woke up in the bed alone -- Greg was already up getting ready for work. I came into the kitchen, made me some coffee and had a nice little chat with my husband before Andrew woke up at 6:45 a.m.
He also put himself to sleep for his first nap of the day (though it was only about an hour) and then again for his second nap of the day, which is going into the second hour as I type this, fingers crossed for a 2 hour nap!).
I cannot say how relieved I am at these recent events. Greg said it might be a fluke, but I am hoping that since we have Andrew's feeding and reflux issues under control -- maybe his sleep issues are resolving themselves as well.
A well rested baby means a well rested Mama! So, sleep, baby, sleep!

Should be interesting

My mother-in-law is coming to visit. This is big news at our house because my mother-in-law has never visited us. She didn't come to our wedding more than eight years ago and she has not visited Greg in 19 years. We have not seen her in more than two years and all totaled, I have probably only spent about 8 hours face to face with her since I met Greg.
It's not that I have anything against my mother-in-law, I really don't know her. And, I guess that's what makes me nervous. Usually we communicate through e-mail and Greg talks with her on the phone. The only time I've ever talked with her on the phone was one Thanksgiving when we lived in Italy. The phone rang, I said "hello" and a woman's voice said "Is Greg there?" and I said "yes, hold on just a minute," and I put him on the phone. I didn't even know it was her!
I don't think I'm the only one who is nervous about her visit. Greg has been asking me repeatedly if I have thought of things we can do while she's here. I think it has been so long since he spent time with her that he's worried she will be bored or they won't have anything to talk about.
But, I've been so busy with Andrew that I haven't had time to put much thought into what we will do. I suppose she will want to spend a lot of time with Andrew, because that is the reason she is coming. So, I guess I will try not to worry about it too much.
Speaking of worry, last night, I dreamed that I was shopping at Target and talking to my mom on the phone. My mom said "where's Andrew?" and I said, "He's at home asleep but I have the monitor with me." Oh goodness! What a crazy person I have become!

A new direction?

Andrew had his two-month check up on Thursday. He weighs 12.6 pounds and is 24 inches long! He's a big boy!
I feel like we're finally moving in a new direction. Dr. S has diagnosed Andrew with reflux, which I had suspected since we made the switch to formula. He has many of the symptoms of reflux.
1. He fusses after feedings -- which I had interpreted as a sign that he wanted more but most times he wouldn't take more or he would spit it all back up.
2. He spits up A LOT. He spits up during his sleep, even if it has been hours since his last feeding. This usually wakes him up and he doesn't get the rest he needs.
3. He constantly makes this noise in the back of his throat -- I call it a grunt but Dr. S said it is really a cough, caused by the reflux.
4. He still has the hiccups several times a day.
5. He has a terrible amount of gas. I've watched him in his sleep pull his little legs to his chest and then pass gas, waking himself up.
6. He cries out in his sleep. I can't tell you how many times I have gone to his bed thinking something horrible has happened to him only to find him sound asleep.

So, we have made some adjustments according to the doctor's orders.
We are doing smaller, more frequent feedings. Instead of 6 oz. every 4 hours, he's getting 4 oz. every 3 hours. We burp him every ounce and we hold him up on the shoulder for 20 minutes after each feeding. We have elevated one end of his crib. We are putting one tsp. of rice cereal per ounce of milk in each bottle to weigh down the milk in hopes of keeping it from coming back up. And, perhaps most important (or controversial) Andrew gets two doses of Zantac in his bottle everyday.
Since we started these things, the amount of spit up has decreased significantly. Andrew can put himself to sleep without the endless soothing we were doing. A swaddle and a few pats seeem to be all he needs now. His sleep is more sound and though we have heard the little cough a time or two, it is not constant like it was. He has only cried out in his sleep once. He seems to be napping better.
We had hoped the rice in the bottle would help him sleep through the night, but it has not. But that is OK. That will come with time.
I really hope these new measures will make Andrew more comfortable. I now understand that he has been in quite a bit of pain and discomfort, which is something that I could not fix for him. His crying made me feel like I had to be doing something wrong, but the cause of his crying was something that I could not fix.
It is a terrible feeling when your baby is crying and you've done everything in your power to soothe him and nothing works. Here's hoping those days are behind us.

Let me tell you about my baby

I want to tell you about my baby -- not the screaming baby who wasn't getting enough to eat during the first month of his life -- not the "colicky" baby who had a problem with his old formula -- not the baby who suffered from the side effects of "accidental" parenting. I want to tell you about the baby who is napping soundly in his crib in his room down the hall as I write this post.
I don't know what has changed. Maybe it is the fact that Andrew is nearly 8 weeks old. Holy crap! How'd that happen? Or, maybe it is his mom who has changed. Everyone says taking care of a newborn is a guessing game -- and I finally feel like I'm getting better at guessing.
I am taking the advice of my sister, my cousin and my friend -- don't worry so much about schedules. In fact, my friend sent me an email after reading my last couple of posts and told me to post it on the refrigerator, which I did.

This is what it says:

You are a great Mom.

Use your instincts. Rock Andrew and let him sleep on your chest - in a very short time he will be too big for this kind of snuggle.

Don't stress over schedules - Andrew will eat, sleep, poop, and play when he wants to.

Don't compare your child or your life to anyone! We all have our own unique situation. Embrace yours!

Focus on what you did accomplish today.

It will not be this way forever - it does get easier!! I promise!

Express yourself - cry, scream, cuss, or laugh your way through the day! Remember - you are not yourself - you are sleep deprived and physically and mentally exhausted.

If these don't get you through - call me!!!! Anytime!! I mean it! I am here for you -I wish I could be there with/for you....but right now I am just a phone call away.

My sister said "I didn't worry about scheudles with my babies, we were just on baby time." And, so I started to shift my perspective. While I'm still hoping to get Andrew to bed at roughly the same time each night, I am happy to say that I'm just taking things as they come.
We've reached some pretty big milestones over the past few weeks. First, right after my birthday, I moved Andrew out of our bedroom and into his own room just a few steps down the hall. This helped me sleep better because even though I had the monitor on, I wasn't tempted to jump up everytime he made a little noise during the night (he is a noisy sleeper). Second, Andrew has started to smile. Sometimes, it's only once or twice a day. Sometimes, it's more. No matter how often I see that smile, it never fails to make my heart melt. Another big milestone is that as of this weekend, my little guy is no longer sleeping in his bassinet. I tried moving him to his crib early last week because he was clearly outgrowing the bassinet. But, it didn't go so well and I ended up putting him back in the bassinet. Well, by Saturday it was clear that arrangement wasn't going to work any longer. His little feet were touching the sides of the bassinet! So, we have made the move to the crib and it is going just fine. It was a bittersweet goodbye for me. The good part about it is though he looked giant in the bassinet, he looks pretty small in his crib.
Andrew can now grip a rattle in his little hand and he can follow an object if you move it in an in front of him. He seems to respond to the sound of my voice or the sight of me when I walk into the room. He "talks" to me with little grunts or coos and Greg swears he can say "hey." lol
He is a chubby little guy with the bluest eyes and the pinkest lips and hair that looks red or blonde depending on the light. He is the most beautiful baby in the world.
My neighbor saw him yesterday and said "he's about to come alive," and though I wouldn't have put it in those words, I think she's right. Everyday brings more awareness and more interest in what's going on around him.
They say that at four months babies enter one of the most enjoyable stages -- when they smile and laugh and interact with people but still can't move around on their own. I am looking forward to that time, but for now, I'm trying to enjoy every day of the stage we're in.

Chunk

Back when I was breastfeeding and Andrew was not gaining weight -- Dr. S said we'd have to start supplementing to put some "chunk" on him. He was thin then. His little fingers and toes were sort of skinny and his legs and arms were too. Thankfully, those days are gone. Our little guy is a chunk!
I know I am biased beyond belief, but isn't he just the cutest thing ever? This afternoon, after a long week of working 12-hour shifts and hardly seeing Andrew, Greg snuck into Andrew's nursery to watch him while he napped. I snuck down the hall to watch Greg watching him. When Greg caught me watching from the door, he said "he looks like one of those dolls you see in the store. He's just perfect."
I couldn't agree more.

If I could do this thing over...

If I could go back just two months in time, I would do a few things different. Number one, I would have read a couple of books about parenting strategies. Honestly, I was so concerned about labor and delivery and breastfeeding that I mainly spent my time studying up on these two topics. I figured I knew how to take care of a baby -- I've been around babies all my life!
As it turns out, I didn't even need all that information about labor and delivery or even breastfeeding, for that matter. What I really needed was a guide to how to make sure this new little person in my life was given all that he needs to be a happy, well-rested, well nourished baby so that I could be a happy, well-rested, well nourished mother who didn't absolutely lose her mind.
Granted, I know all new mothers go through the "baby blues" but I think my "blues" have lasted a tad too long. It seems that the waves of self-doubt and inadequacy keep crashing ashore and by the end of each week, they build to a crescendo. I had hoped to have Andrew on some sort of daily schedule by now but we've been working on it and have yet to even come close.
I talked with my doctor about it on Monday when I went for my six-week postpartum visit. He gave me a prescription for an antidepressant. I took it that day and felt nauseas the rest of the day and then was plagued with insomnia that night -- which is probably one of the worst things that can happen to a new mom because she is so tired!
So, I haven't taken it since. I felt fine yesterday. I feel OK today. But I know the end of the week is coming and I'm not sure how I'll feel on Friday.
I used to think post-partum depression was a crock of poop. Then, I had a friend who had it and wound up in the hospital and I realized that maybe there was something to it afterall. Now that I've experienced the waves of emotion and mood swings for myself, I know that it is a real condition. I'm not sure I have PPD. I think I'm suffering from the normal hormonal shifts that all women feel after having a baby -- add that to my unplanned cesarean -- factor in my failure to breasfeed -- and then layer on the "colic" problems -- pile on the lack of sleep --top it with the fact that I don't have a support system here and all my loved ones are far away and you get -- well, you get one crazy Mama.
I remember reading about PPD and the baby blues in my pregnancy books and thinking --that will never happen to me because I've waited so long for this pregnancy and I have wanted to be a mother for so long I will just be happy no matter what. I've learned that's not quite the way it works. Andrew is a miracle. He is the most precious gift I've ever been given and I love him more than I can say. I want to be the best mother I can to him, but many times I feel like I'm failing him.
In an effort to become the mother I want to be, I've busied myself during the past week or so reading books about parenting during any spare moment that I have. What I've learned is that one book will say you can't possibly spoil a newborn baby so rock your baby to sleep if you like and the next book will tell you rocking your bably to sleep is bad because you teach him he can't go to sleep any other way. According to this book, Andrew is suffering from the effects of "accidental" parenting.
What is a parent to do? I don't know. Greg, who rarely ever says a cross word to me, even when I'm at my worst, told me in a very loud voice "stop reading books and let's just figure this out on our own."
And perhaps he is right. I just wish I had entered motherhood a little more prepared to take on such challenges. My newborn care class told me how to meet the physical needs of a baby -- feeding, changing, bathing. It didn't teach me how to deal with some of the less obvious but perhaps more important facets of mothering. Maybe these things can't be learned in a class or by reading a book. Maybe it's just trial by fire.
For now, we are taking it one day at a time. I feed Andrew when he seems hungry. I try to help him go to sleep when I think he's tried. I talk to him, play with him and try to make sure he's getting all that he needs to learn and grow. But somehow it doesn't seem like enough.
It would be easier for me if we had a daily routine. I don't know if babies know anything about that. I've been trying to do things at roughly the same time every day so Andrew and I can know what's coming next, but it isn't easy. One day, he's up at 5 a.m. the next he sleeps til 6:30 a.m. and that first feeding pretty much determines how the rest of the day is going to go.
Meanwhile, I am constantly comparing Andrew to my great-nephew Wyatt who has been on a very regular schedule since he was Andrew's age and has been sleeping through the night -- by that I mean he was sleeping from 9:30 p.m. until 6 a.m. since he was two months old. Now, he's 9 months old and he sleeps from about 7:30 - 8 p.m. until 7 a.m. All his mom has to do is put him in his crib, turn out the light and walk out of the room. While, it's taking us about and hour (or more) to get Andrew down for the night. We are still waking at around 1-2 a.m. for a feeding and then we're up again between 5-6 for another. I keep telling myself that Andrew is not Wyatt and he's going to do things in his own time. I beat myself up for wishing Andrew would sleep like Wyatt or eat and nap on a routine like Wyatt.
My mom says give it time. I hope she's right.

A fine line

A while back, in the midst of our breastfeeding woes, I mentioned that I would like to write a post about my breakdown in the greeting cards at Walgreens. As a reminder, I had left Andrew with my parents to go to the healthfood store in search of miracle herbs that would increase milk supply. On my way home, I stopped in Walgreens to purchase a card for a friend.
Months ago, I posted about how my work friend had become pregnant almost instantly after having her IUD removed. This is the friend who took me out for dessert when I found out I was pregnant because she knew Greg was away from home and I had no one here to celebrate with. She's very dear to me because she has always been so steadfast in her belief that my attempts to become pregnant would eventually work. She was so excited about my pregnancy and so excited about her own.
Tragically, in the days before my pregnancy culminated in the birth of my precious son, her pregnancy came to an end at 21 weeks. As I labored, she texted me every few hours offering her encouragement and love though she already knew her baby was dying.
In the days that followed, my friend gave birth to her stillborn son -- Chase Matthew. Meanwhile, I plunged into mothering my healthy baby. So I found myself in the sympathy card section of Walgreens that day -- I stood there and was nearly swept away by the two emotions that swirrled in my heart like two gigantic waves. I felt grief so profound and yet I also felt a tidal wave of gratitude that my own pregnancy had a happy ending and that my Andrew was safe and sound.
I cried there in the store as I read sympathy cards -- none of which were appropriate but how could they be? How could mere words and images on a piece of paper ever be adequate when someone is grieving the life of a child?
I found a card that was simply stated and made my way home. My thoughts were all over the place -- a million little things could have gone wrong and Andrew simply wouldn't exist and yet there he was when I got home, perfectly formed and perfectly healthy. I must be the luckiest woman in the world, I remember thinking.
Later, my friend texted me a message that basically said "I want to come visit and I want to meet Andrew but I can't right now. It just hurts too bad."
Yesterday, I called her for the first time. As I pushed Andrew in his stroller around our neighborhood enjoying a spring-like day and chatting with my friend, I heard the hurt and pain in her voice but there was also hope. The doctors say a future pregnancy could be successful and in three or four months, my friend says she'll probably try again.
The fact that my friend and I are experiencing the most opposite of emotions is not lost on me -- she is mired in grief over her son's death while I am overjoyed with my son's life. And perhaps even more profound in my mind is how even though these scenarios seem so opposite, it is the fact that life is so precarious that strikes me. There is the finest of lines between the life she's living and the one I'm living. The growth of a fertilized egg into a living breathing baby can be altered in an instant. I could be the one in mourning and I know that just because Andrew is healthy now doesn't mean he always will be. Each moment is so precious for that very reason. That's why each day I look at my son and try to express just how much he is loved, just how grateful we are that he exists and how every little breath he takes is a miracle to me.