Tuesday, March 22, 2011


Have you ever hurt your knee or your ankle and just when you least expect it that old injury will flare up and remind you of the pain you once endured?
Well, that's a little what parenting after infertility is like. There you are, moving right along with your day, happy as a pig in mud because you've finally got your little one in your arms and then -- that old familiar sting.
I experienced a flare up of that old injury of infertility yesterday. Andrew and I were out for our daily stroll -- I was hoping he'd slip into a little nap as he used to do everytime I'd put him in his stroller. But, there's just too much out there in the world to see! Now he spends his time in the stroller drooling, cooing, shaking his favorite rattle and taking in the big, big world.
We were only a few blocks from home when I saw a young girl standing near the street waiting for a friend who was walking on the opposite sidewalk. From the back, this girl looked a lot like my niece Emily, with her long red hair and her athletic build.
Emily is a rare girl -- unbelievably kind and smart and funny. Her laugh, her smile, well, it's just infectious. You cannot help but fall in love with my niece.
This girl was about the same age as my Emily -- the one that brings you to a state of flux -- not a child, not a woman, just stuck somewhere in between. I could sense her enthusiasm as she greeted her friend and the two locked arms and started chatting and went inside. I thought about all the girl drama they are bound to stir up and I felt a little catch in my throat. Why on earth was I about to cry?
Because I had one thought -- I will never have a daughter.
Damn you infertility. Even in these happiest days of my life, with my smiling, cooing, perfect little son finally here in my arms, you manage to bring me to tears.


  1. I haven't had my baby yet, but I can imagine that sting will be there with me always. Stupid infertility!

    BTW_ Not sure I passed on my new blog address, it's been hell finding everyone!


  2. As Jen said, I don't even have my healthy, beautiful baby yet but I know that will sting. I hear other people at work asking people who have children only 6mths old so when are you going to have another...and that already stings hearing it asked to someone else because although we'd like to try there really are no guarantees with infertility. It definitely sucks!

  3. It's infertility's set-in stain. I found myself recently openly and verbally dismissing having a second child, but not because I don't want one...but because I feel like I already won the lottery with my first one. Like you, I feel like it's a foregone conclusion. :/