Saturday, January 29, 2011

Small steps

I can't say no one told me how exhausting having a newborn can be. I guess at some point one of my sisters, cousins or friends must have given me a glimpse into the total and utter exhaustion that has come over me in the past week. But I probably wasn't paying a lot of attention back then. Maybe I should have. Maybe then I would have been more prepared for this new life. Or perhaps you can't prepare for something so absolutely different from what you knew before.
Last night was the worst so far. We woke Andrew to nurse at midnight and despite all my coaxing and a couple of feedings, he did not go back to sleep until 4 a.m. He slept exactly one hour. I am a zombie today. I don't even know what I'm doing writing this post. Disregard anything I write!
We did get some welcome news yesterday when we met once again with Brandy, the lactation consultant, and Andrew weighed in at 8 lbs. 12 oz., his birth weight. We were thrilled.
Yesterday morning, I had decided to give up on breastfeeding. Andrew seems hungry all the time, he eats constantly and I'm exasperated much of the time. I cry when I think of him being hungry. Yet I also cry when I think of giving up breastfeeding. There are no easy answers here. Though I had made my decision and I felt OK with it, we still went to have him weighed because Tuesday, when we go see our pediatrician again, seemed so far away. The weight gain, which was substantial -- 9 ounces from Tuesday to Friday -- was enough to make me continue on with breastfeeding. Next Thursday, Andrew will be one month old and I feel like I can at least make it until then. I'm not sure what I will decide to do at that point, but one month of breast milk is better than none and I feel good about being able to give him that. And, I feel like I've given 110 percent in my attempt.
In other news, Liz brought over our birth pictures on CD yesterday. The photos are so beautiful and tender. I can't describe the emotions they stir in me. So, I thought I'd share one of my favorites here with you. This was taken while I was in recovery and Andrew is at my breast for the first time.


  1. Beautiful full of love! Glad to hear you got some reassurance with the breastfeeding and hoping Andrew sleeps a bit better tonight for you:)

  2. Hellloooo from a fellow zombie mama. :) It would seem we had the same kind of night last night ourselves. Thankfully this cuddly little beast is now slumbering deeply on my chest...WHEW.

    Love, love, love that picture, Krista! I am so envious of these birthday pictures. I wish that our photographer (whose work I just adore) offered the option of hospital pictures. These are such a treasure!

    KUDOS on the weight gain accomplishment! Way to go, Andrew and mama! You're so right about having given 110% to breastfeeding. I'm honestly in awe at your steely dedication. I know that this almost month (holy cow, your babe is almost one month old!) has been a hard, harrowing one in many respects, but you have done an amazing job. Please always feel good about your gargantuan effort and committment. It really is awesome, Krista. Whatever you decide next after Andrew's pediatrician's appointment is a decision that is made with a whole lot of heart and soul and HARD work. You have to do what feels right for you and Andrew. So proud of you!