Thursday, February 11, 2010


Dear Rowan,
Tomorrow is my birthday -- I'll be 33 years old. Your father will do his best to make it a special day. He's taking me to Dallas for the weekend. We're going to a concert, having a fancy dinner out and I'm sure we'll do lots of shopping. But, it won't be the birthday I'd hoped for.
This year held so much promise for us a month ago. And, I suppose 2010 still holds hope for us. We have three frozen embryos that could very well surprise us.
Since we started trying to conceive in 2005, each birthday has been a reminder of what's missing in my life and how time is quickly passing. I often think to myself that we made a mistake by waiting three years to start trying, but back then I was blissfully unaware of the effect of age on eggs and all that garbage. I was busy being a newlywed and I was happy to pursue my career -- which didn't really matter anyway in the long run (but that's a story for another day).
I think about all those birth control pills I swallowed and it turns my stomach. I was so naieve as to think that a medicine or a simple procedure could fix Greg's low sperm count. It wasn't until I decided the time was right for us to have a baby that I educated myself and discovered that there's no simple fix.
There have been times, Rowan, when I have regretted my carefulness in the past. What if I had been a little less responsible in my younger years? Would you be real now?
Of course, we can't dwell on these things. If I'd become pregnant as a young woman I may have never met your father. I might be stuck in a loveless relationship held together by the tinuous string of parenthood. And, if I'd never fallen in love with and married your father, I wouldn't be the woman I am now. Marrying a military man, changed my life. Because of him, I spent four beautiful years living in Italy, traveling around Europe and collecting many friends along the way. And, for that I'm so grateful.
The life I have now is not the life I'd envisioned. But, it's a good life -- full of love and laughter and adventures that I would have never dreamed for myself.
I have to trust that all things happen in God's time. I think of my parents, they had my sisters in 1963 and 1964 and then nothing for many years until a heart-breaking miscarriage in 1972. And, then, in 1976 when they least expected it -- a pregnancy -- with no medical intervention of any sort. And, on Feb. 12, 1977 I was born. My mother was 39-years-old.
"I thought the oven was broken," she often told me when I was growing up. "Your Daddy was so sure that I wasn't pregnant that he wouldn't even go into the doctor's office when I went for my test. He sat out in the car."
So, I know that miracles happen. And, I try to have faith that you are waiting somewhere in the future.
We can't anticipate the path our lives will take. What will age 33 bring for me? I can't begin to imagine. My best guess would probably fall far short of reality. I just hope that you're out there in my future.


  1. I just turned 33 last month. We are also dealing with MFI...and it's tough.

    This is a beautiful letter!!!

  2. It's so hard to know the path when you are looking forward, it's easier to see where it was when looking backwards. Good for you for taking the steps. It's not always easy.

  3. First of all Happy Birthday! It is so difficult when life doesn't turn out as you'd planned, but it sounds like there is much to be thankful for at this moment & I pray that God will also grant you what you desire. It's hard to know what this next year will hold, but just think it could be your best year yet!