Monday, February 15, 2010

In the breakdown lane

Dear Rowan,
One of the problems with IF is that every where you turn there are little land mines -- things that remind you of the fact that you are not a mother. Some days, I feel very strong and I can overlook most of these triggers and not turn into a puddle of emotional goo.
But, there are days when it's all just too much. I had one of those days this weekend. My birthday always makes me feel very emotional. For the past few years, it has seemed that time isn't on my side and my birthday is a reminder of the fact that my life doesn't really look the way I'd hoped it would.
So, even though I was having a nice time during our trip to Dallas, you were on my mind, Rowan, as always.
That's how I ended up sitting on a bench at the mall, crying while your father rubbed my back and tried to figure out what in the world was wrong with me. I was too embarassed to tell him that the sight of something as silly as an "I love my bump" T-shirt in the window at Motherhood had reduced me to tears.
BAfter a few minutes, I recovered. Poor Greg never really knew what happened.
"I stepped on a land mine" didn't exactly explain the situation. And, when he asked me if there were any more stores I'd like to go in, I answered, "I don't think they sell what I want here," which prompted him to offer to take me to another mall.
If only it were that easy.
Later, when it was clear to him that we weren't talking about shopping he told me that he isn't a mind reader and that I have to do better at letting him in when I'm feeling sad.
But, sometimes, there's no way to explain the feelings that come up when you least expect them to.
Sometimes there's no where to go except the breakdown lane.


  1. I'm sorry. This is such an emotional & exhausting experience. It's good to let your feelings out even if that happens in the middle of the mall.

  2. I agree, sometimes it's hard to explain the feelings that overwhelm us. I wouldn't even know how to put them into words. Maybe you can just have a little keyword for it, so he knows.

    And as far as the breakdown goes, I get it, been there!

    It made me tear up to read that you don't think they have what you want at the mall. Sigh. It's so true.

  3. Just found your blog. I'm sorry that your wonderful birthday trip had some bittersweet moments. I keep a journal to my unborn child/children as well chronicling their journey here. I keep it in my master bathroom so I can get up in the middle of the night and write without turning on the bedroom light.