Well, for me, it certainly isn't Rolaids. For me, relief has come in the form of the 12-week milestone. Today is the day. When I woke up this morning, I felt -- well, I felt very content. I know that 12 weeks isn't some magic number that removes all risks, but for me, the fact that I've made it to this point is very comforting. If I've told you before that I had my doubts that I'd ever be pregnant, you'll just have to hear it again. Even with this most recent FET cycle, after that first HPT was negative, I told my mama "it's just not meant to be."
Yet here I am, noting another milestone along the way. It still seems surreal at times that it actually worked and that there's a tiny little human growing inside of me.
I know they say you can't feel the baby moving at this point, but a few times a day, I feel this fluttering sensation in there and I feel certain it's the baby. It's like nothing I've felt before. I told Greg it feels like a little gold fish swimming around in my uterus. So, the baby has gone from being referred to as "Spaceman" to "Little Fishy" at our house.
Yesterday, I ventured into Motherhood, that store that has taunted me for years. Some of you long time readers might remember that it was outside of a Motherhood store in February that I had a little breakdown. It was just after our third failed IVF and I saw a shirt that said "I love my bump" in the window. I just sat down on a bench and cried. Yesterday, I timidly went into that great unknown. I was the only shopper in the store. The sales woman asked me "have you shopped here before?"
"Nope, this is my first time."
"Well, welcome to Motherhood."
I'm sure that's what they always say, but for me her words held a more significant meaning.
Welcome to motherhood.
I wasn't sure anyone would ever say that to me. For the first time since I found out I was pregnant, I made a couple of purchases for the future. Until yesterday, I only allowed myself to buy pregnancy books. It felt like if I made any other purchases I might jinx this stroke of good luck. I bought maternity panties, pajama pants and a pair of denim capris. I don't really need the pants yet, but I have faith that I will very soon.
But I think it's time to embrace this miracle and stop worrying that something will go wrong. I think it's time to start looking ahead.
Tomorrow, I will announce my pregnancy to my social network on facebook. And, I will allow my husband to tell our neighbors the happy news.
Yesterday, my sister told me that an acquaintance from high school was about to start her third cycle of IVF. The news made me sad in many ways. I think about all the people I know in real life who have had to travel this road and I think of all of you out there who are still putting one foot in front of the other all in an effort to hear someone say "welcome to motherhood."
Then, I think of how many people I know who have been in this boat have found a happy ending. For example, my dear friend B, who suffered so many losses and finally moved on to adoption. She just posted pics of her son taken moments after he was born. In the picture, you can only see her eyes because her entire face is covered with a surgical mask. But her eyes say it all. That picture makes me cry with joy for my dear, sweet friend.
I guess, what I'm trying to say is that I'm ever grateful for this pregnancy, which I pray is the beginning of my own happy ending. And, everyday, I pray that my friends (both in the real world and this virtual one) will turn the page and start a new chapter, one that tells the story of their own happy ending.