Here we are, knocking on April's door and a few weeks away from our upcoming FET and here I am sitting here at my computer drinking a cup of coffee. Not the decaf stuff I usually switch to a month or so before IVF, the regular kind that lures you out of your bed each morning and says, "hey, maybe today won't be so bad. At least you have me."
A friend once described coffee as her dark mistress, which I think is hilarious and true in a strange sort of way. My favorite line from the animated flick Open Season is when Elliott, the character voiced by Aston Kutcher, finds a cup of coffee in the dumpster. He takes a sip, "Yuck. Yuck. Yuck! It's terrible and wonderful at the same time! It's like freedom in a cup!" And, much to my husband's annoyance, I often quote this line after my first sip in the morning. He doesn't get it because he doesn't like coffee. But, whenever I roll that one out in front of a true coffee lover, they always laugh along with me. It's so true.
So, in other words, I do not want to live without my coffee, but I have given it up from time to time when doing IVF. Most of the time I wean myself off of the good stuff and slowly make the switch from half-caf to decaf.
But, this time, well I just haven't had the motivation -- yet. I have set April 1 as the date that I bid my dark mistress adieu.
My other confession: I've been drinking wine. Not lots of wine, mind you. Just a glass here or there after work or with dinner. And a couple of glasses at a friend's house during dinner over the weekend. It's a nice way to relax sometimes.
It's not that I don't care about this upcoming FET. I do. I mean, if it works, well, that would be a fabulous little miracle and I would not let an ounce of caffeine (or wine for that matter) pass my lips until said miracle is delivered. But this FET is different from IVF in that I'm not actively trying to produce a crapload of high-quality eggs. I'm merely trying to show up on transfer day with a nutrient rich uterine lining and most of my sanity in tact. Therefore, I haven't really been thinking a lot about this cycle. I've been more focused on these darn Praxis exams and formulating back up plans in my mind if this teaching thing doesn't work out.
And, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe because I haven't been dwelling on the pending cycle the pregnancy will be able to sneak up on me. ha ha. Maybe my self-sabotaging brain will take the bait and chase after this mid-life career change instead of chasing it's proverbial tail around and around my FET. And, maybe my body will just do what it's supposed to do -- under the influence of caffeine or not.