Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The only road

Our transfer went well. We lost one of our three embryos in the thaw, but the other two survived and Dr. V said they were good quality. Their grades were 5AB and 3AA. Our transfer was scheduled for 1 p.m. but there were some delays and the actual transfer didn't take place until about 2:30 p.m. The clinic had one egg retrieval and five transfers yesterday, which is very unusual for my small clinic.
I told Greg that the mood somehow seemed different than when we had our transfer after our fresh cycle. Then, Dr. V seemed far more hopeful. I remember, he patted my shoulder on his way out of the room that day and said "you've got a really good chance this time." But yesterday, he patted my shoulder and said "you've done all that you can do." Before, we got a picture of our embryos and yesterday, we didn't get a picture. But we are still hopeful. Just before we went into the OR, Greg took my face in his hands, looked me in my eyes and uttered a most unexpected thing "Here we go again on our own, going down the only road we've ever known," he sang very quietly. Which, just made me burst out laughing. Add that to the list, ladies. You know the one -- the List of Reasons Why I Adore My Husband.
As we waited our turn in our little curtained cubicle, we could hear the other couples nearby and I couldn't help but think about how many people out there are just like us, though most of the time we feel so alone in our infertility.
As I was resting after the transfer, Dr. V consulted with the couple behind the curtain next to us. Their embryos were of such poor quality that Dr. V was planning to transfer all five. He then told the couple, in a very kind but very matter of fact manner, that they should begin to look into egg donation if they wanted to pursue a future IVF. I swear I could hear that woman's heart breaking right there beside me.
I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, that I knew what it felt like to be told that your own eggs aren't good enough (our previous RE had recommended donor eggs for future cycles). I really wanted to go hug this woman and to cry with her. But what could I do? I was still belly down waiting for my hour to be up so I just prayed for her. I prayed for her poor quality embryos, I prayed for her to somehow become a mother.
And I suppose that's the same prayer I've been saying for myself. Last time, I willed my entire body to "welcome" the embryos. This time, I just watched the ultrasound screen and thought about all the times I'd been there before and how I really hope I won't have to be there again.
My BETA is scheduled for next Wednesday.


  1. Wow! You find out quick for FET. That's good I suppose, less dragging it out.

    What can we do? All of that stuff we do is all magical thinking in the long run- hoping that something we say or feel is going to help our uterus be more stickie. And when we've been there so many times, our skin is so thick.

    I am glad to hear you were able to feel hopeful.

    I am so sorry for your bedmate. It does hurt, and it's a shame the isolation hurts us further. I hope we all can become mothers soon. It's our time.

    Thinking of you, and sending out positive vibes!

  2. Congrats on the transfer, Krista! I've got everything crossed for you for a spectacular beta next week. :)

    Prior to my retrieval I eavesdropped on other patients, too. We were separated by mere curtains, and I already felt a sort of silent kinship with everyone one of the couples there. There was one couple that looked so sad, so disappointed, and I thought to myself, "Please don't let that be us one day." Sigh.

  3. Ok let the wait begin! I am really praying for you girl! It would be fun to be prego together.

  4. So glad to hear that the transfer went well, praying that you get that BFP next week...that's wonderful you find out so quickly!!!
    So sad about your neighbor, it is so hard to hear of someone else struggling with IF, at least you were there to offer up a prayer for her.