The only road

Our transfer went well. We lost one of our three embryos in the thaw, but the other two survived and Dr. V said they were good quality. Their grades were 5AB and 3AA. Our transfer was scheduled for 1 p.m. but there were some delays and the actual transfer didn't take place until about 2:30 p.m. The clinic had one egg retrieval and five transfers yesterday, which is very unusual for my small clinic.
I told Greg that the mood somehow seemed different than when we had our transfer after our fresh cycle. Then, Dr. V seemed far more hopeful. I remember, he patted my shoulder on his way out of the room that day and said "you've got a really good chance this time." But yesterday, he patted my shoulder and said "you've done all that you can do." Before, we got a picture of our embryos and yesterday, we didn't get a picture. But we are still hopeful. Just before we went into the OR, Greg took my face in his hands, looked me in my eyes and uttered a most unexpected thing "Here we go again on our own, going down the only road we've ever known," he sang very quietly. Which, just made me burst out laughing. Add that to the list, ladies. You know the one -- the List of Reasons Why I Adore My Husband.
As we waited our turn in our little curtained cubicle, we could hear the other couples nearby and I couldn't help but think about how many people out there are just like us, though most of the time we feel so alone in our infertility.
As I was resting after the transfer, Dr. V consulted with the couple behind the curtain next to us. Their embryos were of such poor quality that Dr. V was planning to transfer all five. He then told the couple, in a very kind but very matter of fact manner, that they should begin to look into egg donation if they wanted to pursue a future IVF. I swear I could hear that woman's heart breaking right there beside me.
I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, that I knew what it felt like to be told that your own eggs aren't good enough (our previous RE had recommended donor eggs for future cycles). I really wanted to go hug this woman and to cry with her. But what could I do? I was still belly down waiting for my hour to be up so I just prayed for her. I prayed for her poor quality embryos, I prayed for her to somehow become a mother.
And I suppose that's the same prayer I've been saying for myself. Last time, I willed my entire body to "welcome" the embryos. This time, I just watched the ultrasound screen and thought about all the times I'd been there before and how I really hope I won't have to be there again.
My BETA is scheduled for next Wednesday.